TO THE ASTONISHMENT OF THE MARTIANS…
By Professor Duncan Richard Shaw
Madrid, 11 July 2022
In the 1970s one of the most inventive (and amusing) television adverts in Britain was for Smash powdered mashed potato, an American-inspired initiative from the legendary Cadbury chocolate house.
The ruling oligarchy of Mars has sent a reconnaissance mission to Planet Earth to find out what we earthlings were eating. To the amusement of the (rational, logical) Martian leaders, the reconnaissance group reports that the earthlings waste their days peeling then smashing up potatoes, instead of having instant powdered potato (with boiling water) as on Mars.
The conclusion of the Martian elders? “They are clearly a most primitive people!”
This advert, by the Boase Massimi Pollitt agency, was voted television advert of the century by Campaign Magazine.
Interestingly, however, Smash never really caught on in Britain (unlike in the US, we preferred to continue spending our days peeeling and mashing our potatoes) and Cadbury soon sold Smash on at a loss to Premier Foods.
‘Spud-bashing’ has always an essential element of a British childhood; so many long hours spent peeling the blessed things, either at home or in the Boy Scouts/Girl Guides, or at school camp or youth hostels…
An idle midsummer caprice, before heading for the beach: I wonder what the clever Martian leaders would make of Planet Earth today. Would they fall about laughing at the many human follies, or would they throw up their robotic metal hands in horror?
“So what did you find, reconnaissance group leader, on your latest trip to Planet Earth?”
“Well, dear elders, they have restarted that silly Cold War that they worked so hard to finish in 1991. They continue to be divided up into hostile alliances, and are wasting their money on missiles and bombs again – while many of them have no house to live in or food to feed their children.”
“So are they fighting each other yet again?”
“Yes indeed, elders: they are fighting once more. There is a crazy leader who is claiming that another smaller country actually belongs to him. But instead of being generous to that country he has massacred its people and destroyed its towns and villages.”
“Are the leaders of the other countries trying to stop this madman?'”
“Not exactly. They are sending weapons to the smaller country so that the war actually lasts longer. Possibly this is because the big corporations in the different countries make a lot of money by making these terrible weapons.”
“So many people are being killed, for no good reason, once again?”
“Yes, it’s the same old story from Planet Earth, dear elders: massacres and destruction. And not only in that small country which is being attacked. In other countries, people are being gunned down every day: because of the colour of their skin, or because they are unpopular leaders.”
“Has all this killing affected the supply of their beloved potato and their other food?”
“Yes, of course it has. Almost half of Planet Earth’s population is now struggling to feed their families. The price of essential foods has increased drastically, partly because of this big country attacking the small country. But also because the total population of the planet continues to grow out of all control.”
“And has this latest war made pollution on Planet Earth worse?”
“Yes it clearly has. They continue to ruin their planet by burning fossil fuels. They need these more than ever now – for their tanks and military aircraft. They stopped driving and flying for a year or so, when they had that terrible pandemic – but now they’re polluting and heating their skies again even more than before.”
“Surely they have improved their hospitals and healthcare systems because of this pandemic?”
“Well, they seemed to do so for a couple of years. But they’re now talking once again about reducing spending on health and education, in order to spend more on weapons.”
“Are they doing anything now to reduce the inequality between their rich and poor people?”
“Not really, dear elders. The tiny group of wealthy people is actually getting richer every year. They spend their money on luxury boats and expensive divorces, while telling the rest of the people to do something strange called ‘tightening their belts’.”
“This is very odd. Why does the great majority of their people not try to change things, if they are becoming poorer every year?”
“That’s a good question. From what we have observed, this is mainly because the small group of rich people own the television channels and media outlets on Planet Earth – and they seem to be able to convince the mass of struggling people to put up with this crazy system they call neoliberal global capitalism.”
“But can’t the people see that this system only benefits a tiny minority, who live in luxury?”
“Dear elders: that is another good question. From what we have observed, most of the earthlings are too busy struggling to feed and clothe their families that they have little time left to consider changing their irrational system.”
“Well, thank you for your latest report, reconnaissance group. Yes: they are clearly a most primitive people!”
I remember that advert very well !
Good article and many home truths .
I didn't know about that advert but it perfectly fits with your good and interesting article. Only human beings repeat the same mistakes!
Good article describing the mess our leaders are making of the world as we know it through the eyes of a Potato Mash loving Martian tribe.
Well crafted writing that makes a serious point through nostalgic humour.
Well, I remember the mash get Smashed advert. And humans do seem to consider themselves very logical whilst carrying on in a mostly irrational manner. The strangest thing, to me, is the many "logical explanations pumped out by the media" to "explain away" this illogical behaviour. When will we wake up, reduce inequalities to the benefit of all and stop arguing the case for raw, unrestrained capitalism and consumption. The capitalist model and "democracy" is long overdue for an overhaul!
It is a pleasure to read this article from Prof. Shaw.
While you think of his point of view, you enjoy his irony
He gives an acurate view of what is going on nowadays.
Great article from Dr. Shaw. Very interesting perspective, acknowledgment of facts and actual true facts. Thank you for opening the eyes of many people and for sharing the great knowledge.
A very well written and interesting article. I was born into a world war, but now the planet feels like its on a path to self destruction.
An intriguing discussion is definitely worth comment. Theres no doubt that that you should write more on this subject, it might not be a taboo subject but usually people dont talk about these topics. To the next! Best wishes!!